| OMG, it's 2006 already! |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|06:16 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | ana, anorexia, baby, bulimia, eating disorder, ed, mia, nursing, pro ana, pro ed, pro mia, recovery | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
Well....
It's been two years since I've written in this! ALOTTTTTTTTT has changed. I now have a baby girl who is 16 months old. No boyfriend now. I'm doing nursing. I'm also in recovery for my eating disorder and haven't been in hospital since the end of 2004. I'm not going to write much tonight but I'll be back nightly from now on! |
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| I'm turning over a a new leaf |
[Aug. 15th, 2004|01:40 pm] |
Hey, well I have decided that pro ana is the most ridiculous thing anyone could do, i have many friends who are pro ana and i can see where they are coming from but if you want to be thin so badly and stay thin AND be healthy then do it on a proper thought out food plan. You can go to your gp and they can draw you up a proper plan and exercises that will target the areas you want. Anyway if my friends i.e Erin,Jess,Tahls didnt like me the way i am then they wouldnt be friends with me. And as for Alex, he loves me the way i am. No we arent together but we still love eachother, we just have stuff to sort out. Anyway i am on different meds and i am getting some sleep. Im not pregnant which is a relief. I have a goal, i am going to become a pediatrician, anyway. chow. |
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| back at school |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|08:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Well today will be my first full day back for awhile now. It is going to suck, it took so much energy to get out of bed this morning. Well i have to go to Health now, if i survive i will come back and write in you again. |
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| Hospital? |
[Aug. 9th, 2004|12:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mystery By Brooke Fraser | ] |
I just got back from seeing Catherine Stringer the annoying psychtrist, she said that i should go into hospital. she said she didnt trust me. why is everyone saying they dont trust me? do they expect me to trust then still? i dont think so...fuck this world then. i will do what it takes to get everyone off my back and then i am gone, i dont mean die, i dont think...i mean away, out of Tasmania. mmm...i dont know yet. i hate myself for scaring Erin and so many people. I wish no one knew about trying to od Monday night, i wish it had worked. Every night i go to sleep hoping that i wont wake up. never works. god damn it. god damn everything. i dont smile anymore because people know there fake and it takes up so much energy. i dont sleep as it is. it sucks. i just think and think and think some more and then get even deeper into feeling like shit. god why am i even bothering writing in this stupid thing??? |
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| Time will tell... |
[Jul. 15th, 2004|09:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bring me to life by Evanescence | ] |
Time will tell if i suvive this world or not. I hate it so muc. The same old shit everyday. Sleep or not sleep. Mainly not sleep. wake up. not wanting to wake up. avoid eating. or stuff my fat body full of more shit. go to school. not go to class. avoid teachers. its all the fucking same.
Sometimes I wanna cut until there's nothing left in me,
but I never can....
I never have........
These voices are calling my name,
tugging and grabbing at my brain.
Telling me to do things I know are not right,
With these urges I try to fight.
I hear you... you know I do,
Is that me screaming or is that you.
I open my mouth to speak,
But they say hold back your just too weak.
These voices whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
Only telling me stories just what I want to hear.
They convince me that what is right is wrong,
I try to block it out, but the force is way too strong.
I'm listening now to the commotion in my head,
They tell me to grab the knife and let it bleed out red.
Or should she swallow,
And never rise to see her tomorrow.
These voices volume slowly intensifies,
They say tighten up you wimp no need to cry.
Which way should I go.. I grab the pills to take me to never neverland,
And have the blade in my other hand.
I think about mom and how she'd weep,
And Dad how he'd lay by my bed and cry himself to sleep.
Remembering how my brothers use to make me smile,
And how my sisters children wont be seeing me for awhile.
I then scream and shout,
Telling all these voice to leave and get out.
I stare at myself in the mirror saying I'm stronger than this,
Living my life is something I just don't want to miss. |
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| aLoNE |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|09:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | will you by POD | ] |
Woke up late today AGAIn at 8.15 but eventually got out of bed at 8.35. Have eaten ALREADY. Im a fat pig.
I have had half a blueberry muffin and some orange juice. No more food. But i feel so faint. :o( I dont know. |
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| another sh!t day... |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|01:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fallen by Sarah McLachlan | ] |
Another shit day. A doctors appointment at 12pm and then a psychtriast appointment at 2.45pm with Catherine...fun, fun, fun. NOT. I hate trying to please people. I have forgotton what it is like to be happy. Blah. Chantell the lead tenant in the house i am at now is being such a bitch. Hayley is starting to get to me as well. just the fact that there like be happy etc blah blah blah. I am nervous. I dont want to talk to Catherine. I havent even met her before. I hate talking it is why i write poems and shit to get what i feel out. Blah.
Drinking my death
While thinking about what is best
If I were to leave would I be missed?
Would my family and friends give me one last kiss?
So many questions and the answers I know I can find
But do I really want to leave or should I do my time?
When its over is it really all done?
Does the moon continue to sparkle and does shine come from the sun?
Will the wind still blow?
Will anbody know,
The pain I once did feel?
If I were to finish the last drop would I eventually feel real?
My poems suck. I know they do but i cant stop writing just like i cant stop cutting and taking panadol. I dont eat for days then i binge. My food habits are fucked up. Blah. I havent written in my diary for ages. I tried to od again Sunday night. I took 10 panadol and cut my arms but then i stopped....i dont know why. i just wanted to stare at something. weird hey?. mmm...i have an hour and a half until the fun begins. not. Ok. Im going to go and ummmm be boring, i dont know. Luv Angie. |
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